There is hope.

A few days ago graduated to soft foods. I ate a few pieces of shrimp and some imitation crab. It was a good day.

My graduation day I ate the toppings of a veggie pizza from the Pie. It consisted of feta cheese, artichoke hearts, spinach, onions, and a few little tomatoes mixed in. Soft foods. It was a good day.

Tonight I ate 1/2 a cup of tomato soup. They gave me four packets of saltines and big croutons on the top of the soup. I took out the croutons and ignored the crackers. It’s hard because who eats tomato soup without crackers? That kind of seems unfair to the crackers and insulting to the soup. It was, however, a good night.

Kylie blogged the other day about good things, being happy, and knowing it’s ok to be ok. It’s ok to be happy. I agree. (Follow her blog at consistentlyKylie.com. I think that’s it. If not, I’ll find out and send it later). She’s a brilliant writer and will add to your life. I assure you. It was pointed out that I’m good at walking through the challenges of “not being ok” parts of lives. Problems. Challenges. The negative feelings and emotions of life. I’m not, however, good at the positive, happy times, and the being ok with being ok aspects of life. I feel guilty about the “good parts of my life”. Not sure why. I’m so extremely blessed, fortunate, lucky, and grateful for my life. My life is good. Really really good. I should be ok with that.

All I know today is that I do know life can be full of challenges, struggles, hard times, etc. I also know life is full of really really good times as well. My life is ok today and today…that’s perfectly fine with me.

There is hope. And, that feels amazing to a person like me.

(Thanks Kylie. Happy 24th Birthday).

Whatever.

I’m to the point where I am losing interest in this whole stupid process. I meet with my Dr. tomorrow along with a team of nutritionists and trainers. It’s been 11 days since my surgery. I haven’t eaten one damn thing. Nothing. I’ve had 563,889 protein drinks, 562 cups of chicken broth, and let’s see…a sugar free popsicle. Thats about it. I have zero energy from drinking 350 calories a day. Zero. I have nothing left in me. I am empty physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am broken down. Beaten. Done. I’m pretty sure you’d feel the same way if you literally hadn’t eaten for almost a month. My hell. Most people get hungry and angry after not eating for six hours. Times that by a month and you’ll see the depth of my anger.

Ya. I better be losing weight because with the pre-op diet and surgery and the post-op diet it’s been since September 19th since I’ve eaten food. Actually, I cheated once before my surgery and I’m really pretty happy about that choice. Those were the best nachos I ever ate and that was the best decision I made this last grueling month.

Regarding the choice to have gastric sleeve surgery? I am really angry and resentful today. I AM HUNGRY!! But, from what I’ve heard and read and everyone I’ve talked too? This is a normal feeling and “it gets better”. I’m sure it does.

Whatever.

I just want nachos.

Some things are hard for me to say.

I love you.

I was wrong.

I’m sorry.

I need help.

I can do this. I can say hard things. Here it goes.

“I’m grateful for those who love me. I love you”.

“I am wrong”.

”I’m sorry”.

“I need help”.

There. That wasn’t so hard.

I know one of the most difficult things in life is to learn to like/love ourselves for who we are. Some people struggle with this. Some people don’t. I am one of those that struggles. It’s a battle I continuously fight. The “being good enough” syndrome. It comes. It goes. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m trying. There’s some days I like myself and some days I don’t.

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

“I am wrong”.

Self shaming is is an exact nature of me being wrong. Me thinking I’m not good enough is an exact nature of my wrong. By nature, I am a natural man. By nature, I am an enemy to God. (Mosiah 3:19). I need to like/love myself more. I eat to stuff my feelings and emotions. That has become an exact nature of my wrong. I love food. I love to eat. I turn to food instead of people. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am wrong. I admit this to God, myself, and to all of you. At times, I simply just do not like myself and don’t feel “good enough”.

Step 6. Became entirely ready to have God remove our shortcomings.

“I am sorry”.

It’s a simple prayer. “God, I’m willing and ready for You to remove my shortcomings”.

God replies “Are you sure? If so, let’s move to Step 7”. “Ok, I guess” was my response.

Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

“I need help”.

Asking for help is humbling. We’d all rather help than be helped. Anyways, I asked. I was willing. I was humble. I feel like I finally got an answer. I had a servant of God remove 80% of my stomach. A Dr. literally removed one of my shortcomings. Food. Binge eating. Comfort eating. Over eating. I didn’t know it would be so literal. I didn’t know removing shortcomings included a gastric sleeve. A removal of one of my organs. I am miserable today. This is hard. It’s hard to lose some of our shortcomings. We all have them. Self worth issues. Pride. Envy. Greed. Judging others. Shame. (The list could go on forever). It is always darkest before the dawn and right now it is pitch black while I wait for the sunrise.

I guess the point is this.

If there are people in your life you need to say “I love you” to. Say it. Tell them you love them.

“I love you” – Brett.

If there are things in your life that “are wrong”. Admit you are wrong. Try to make them right.

“If there is anyone I’ve hurt or offended and where I am wrong. I ask for the chance to make it right” – Brett.

If there are people in your life you need to say “I’m sorry” to. Tell them you’re sorry. Ask them to forgive you.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for any pain, hardships, burdens, problems, or anything else I’ve done that have hurt you in any way. I ask you to forgive me” – Brett.

If you “need help” ask for help. If you’re in a place where you’re willing and able to help others. Help them.

“I need help in my life right now. I am also willing and able to help you” – Brett.

Most importantly. Love yourself. If you don’t like/love yourself you are wrong. Tell yourself you’re sorry and hug yourself. Learn to like/love yourself. And remember that at some point in all of our lives you will feel, receive, and give love. You will also be wrong. You will be sorry. And, I promise you, if you are a human being, you will need help.

I am definitely a human being.

A human being that just said some things that are hard for me to say.

My food journal.

They say if you keep a food journal your success rate will double. I don’t know if that’s true. I do know that if you can’t eat two weeks pre-op and another two weeks post-op then you’re bound to lose weight.

But, I’ll play.

Here’s my food journal: Water. Chicken broth. Protein drinks. Water. I don’t know if journaling a list is going to help me lose weight. I know that eating nothing will.

I’m angry. I’m pissed. I feel completely broken, lost, faithless, and hopeless. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I did. I’m having doubts, regrets, and hugely depressed. I can’t even believe what I just did. I’m hurting. Angry. Sad.

There’s my feeling list cause my food list simply doesn’t exist right now.

I have another F-list but for your sakes and well being I’ll simply say this. Food. Feelings. Fetch.

How’s that for a list?

I love my family.

We spent Friday night at our cabin. Cabin 11. My thoughts from Cabin 11 today are pretty simple.

I love my family.

We had a fire. We talked. We laughed. We read crude cards from a game. We sat on couches, tables, benches, and by the fire pit. We ate. (We always do). Actually, I didn’t. My surgery is coming up soon. We hung out and just spent time with each other. I received three individual texts after we left to say thanks and let me know how much fun everyone had.

The great thing about my family is that we’re definitely not perfect. We are all flawed. In fact, one of our conversations was about all the children we all had that were “accidents”. One after another. We are built on a solid foundation of “accidents”. We laughed. Our children laughed. It was funny.

Don’t be offended by these comments. We know. They know. God knows. Not one of these amazing people (my nephews and nieces) were accidents at all. They all became the greatest blessings in ALL our lives. Mine is Kylie Ray Buchi. Now a Singleton. My first daughter. She changed my life. I also have two other daughters. Sierra Lynn Buchi and Tristan Brett Buchi. They are my everything. They continue to change me and my life in every way possible. I also have one of those other people in my life. She’s called a “wife”. She definitely wasn’t an accident. God put her in my life for a reason. He was right. She also continues to change me and my life in every possible way. I actually married her twice. Jodi Buchi. She means the world to me.

Jodi. Kylie. Sierra. Tristan. Jordan. (Married to Kylie).

Mom. Tim.

Dad. (Passed away 2013).

My sisters and all their spouses. Tami. Rocky. Kristin. Shane. Erin. Vance. Traci. Chad.

My only brother Derek. (Passed away 2018).

All my nephews and nieces and their spouses. I wish I knew all of their names. I could try to name them all but I guarantee I’d leave out 5-6 of them and then I’d be in real trouble.

We’re definitely not perfect. We are all flawed. But, we are definitely not “accidents”. We are all blessings to each other. We are all gifts to each other. Gifts from God. Every single one of us. Every single one of YOU. My family.

(Even if I don’t know all your names).

Parts.

It’s pre-op diet eve.

We went to Black Bear Diner. I ate a chicken fried steak dinner. I can’t sleep. I’m scared. I know what tomorrow brings. I know when I wake up it’ll be Day one.

I went to my therapist yesterday to process my feelings and emotions of what I’ll be going through. I’ll share some our $125 conversation.

Me “I’m going to get a sleeve”. Therapist “I support you 110%. That’s exciting. I’ve been wanting you to do this for several years now. I just didn’t know how to tell you”. My thoughts “wow, you’re rude, but I am really fat”. Me “I feel like this is the easy way out”. Therapist “umm…there’s absolutely nothing easy about what you’re going to go through. In fact, this is one of the hardest things you’ll have to do”.

Me “shit”.

Now, I know why I don’t want to go to sleep.

I hate doing hard things. HATE.

She asked “how are you feeling about it”? (She’s a therapist. That’s what they spent all their money on getting a degree on). Asking “how do you feel”? Not sure why you need a degree for learning how to ask that question. That’s beside the point. The point is this. I have parts. My answers were: “I am angry. I am pissed. I am discouraged, depressed, and down. I feel like a loser”. I have all negative feelings towards this. She asked “any good thoughts or feelings”?

“No”, I said.

Parts. We have parts. You have parts. We’re not all or nothing. There are parts of me that have all this negative emotions. She pointed out to me that “my eyes lit up when I talked about it”. I was counseled to find the parts of me that were positive about it. I did. Part of me is excited. Part of me has hope, faith, and confidence in this. Part of me is excited and can’t wait and believes this is the right decision for me. I am hopeful.

Part of me wants to cry. Part of me also wants to go back to Black Bear Diner or Golden Corral tomorrow.

I have parts. So do you.

$12,500.

I took out a personal loan today. A loan to pay for a gastric bypass surgery/sleeve. I’m literally sick to my stomach. Nervous. Scared. Frustrated. Questioning myself and my decision. I don’t know. It doesn’t help it’s a full moon. Full moons always make me feel crazy. In this case, taking out a $12,500 loan seems crazy. Full moon or not. At least when I get sick to my stomach in the future it’ll only be 20% of my current stomach sickness. (Research it. Sleeve. You’ll see).

Borrowing $12,500 made it real. Legit. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to scream. I want to take the $12,500 I just borrowed today and payback the $12,500 loan I just took out. It’ll leave me with zero money to do this thing. That’d be a good way out.

Speaking of money. My bank account is currently broke. I have a $15,000 line of credit. My balance is -$14,992.52. I have $7.48 until next payday. So, that’s kind of exciting cause Wienersnitzel currently has a 5 for $5.95 special. If you balance your budget based off of how many Chili Dogs you can afford you’re probably a food addict. And broke. I am a food addict. And broke.

Why is money so off topic? It’s something you “can’t talk about”. Well, I can. So, I will. It seems to be wrong to be rich and bad to be poor. I’m neither. I’m not rich. I’m not poor. I just bought a $2,000,000 Printing Company. I own a home. I own a home in St. George. (It’s being rented as a Sober Living Home). I own a cabin up Millcreek Canyon. (Paid in cash). I have a boat, 4-wheelers, three cars, including my BMW, all paid for. I make six figures. Somewhere between $100,000 and $999,999. Ok. It’s the one way way way way way way way way closer to five digits. I’m not complaining. I’m not bragging. It’s just the truth of what it is. It’s given me the opportunity to pay off most of my debt and be in a pretty good financial position. Like I said, I have $7.48 in my account. Remember, I did say “pretty good”. Not great.

The truth is this. Money comes. Money goes. I’ve been in a place many many times over the years where I’ve been in a place to help a lot of people. I’ve also been in a place where I’ve needed financial help. Borrowing $12,500 from the bank is definitely the place I’m in financially where I’ve asked for help. I need their help, their money. I needed help. I asked. They agreed. I’m spending this MonEy on ME. The good news is that I know I’ll be able to help others financially again one day. I’ll be able to give back financially. (Other than the 10% tithing and a monthly $400 payment to my church for a missionary). Sister Buchi, Oregon, Portland. It’s the circle of money life. It comes, it goes.

Food post. Money post. Who knows? Definitely a Bi- Polar post. Up. Down. Good. Bad. Honest. Crazy.

The truth is this. Weight also comes. Weight also goes. I’m in a place right now where it just comes and comes and comes some more. I’m an addict. I need help. I hope that with the money that came it’ll help me with the weight that needs to go. Money comes, weight goes. I’m not complaining. I’m not bragging. It’s just where I am.

$12,500 or 2,500 Chili Dogs.

Either way. I’m going to spend it.

Hopefully it’s money well spent.

PS. My Venmo is _____________. If you feel like helping a broke fat dude. 🤷‍♂️.

I looked in the mirror…yet again.

I met with a Dr. this morning. Not with one of those Dr’s that you don’t fear, that doesn’t scare you. Not with one of those Dr’s to do a check up or follow up appointments about a cold or a stubbed toe. I met with a Dr. today that you don’t ever want to see. I met with a Dr. whose practice starts with a B. A “B”rett Dr. A Dr. that forces you to look at yourself in the mirror. A Dr. that forced me to look in the mirror…again.

B. Brett.

My name is Brett. I’m married. I have three daughters and a son in law. I’ve coached, taught, listened, served, prayed, counseled, been counseled, spent time, road trips, vacations, concerts, games, plays, taken time, and have tried to give and give and give some more. I’ve given everything I’ve had to being a loving husband and a loving father, a provider, and a “good” dad. My daughters are 23, 19, and 15. My wife is a little older than them but doesn’t look a day older than 32. (You’re welcome, Jodi). I’m 46. I’m a pretty good dude. I’ve had to look at myself in the mirror several times in my life to make changes. I’m good at taking care of others and horrible at taking care of myself. After all, when I look at you and your mirrors I see you, not me. And when you don’t like what you see in your own mirror you tend to look at others. I can’t believe I’m here…again, staring at yet another mirror. My mirror. And I don’t really like what I see.

A. Alcoholic.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. (Hi Brett). I went to rehab three different times to finally get sober. I’ve been sober 13 years. Drug free. Alcohol free. Smoke free. Sober. I’ve switched alcohol and drugs to food. Lots and lots of food. I’m fat. Sober, but fat.

R. Recovery.

I’ve worked AA. Still do. I believe in God. I believe in the principles. I’m a 12-stepper. I’ve done the 12 steps three different times in rehab and with sponsors. I sponsor. I read the Big Book. I pray, meditate, and serve others. I’m loving, caring, kind, and truly try to practice those principles. I even go to church. I love step 11. I’ve never done the 12 steps with food. I guess that’s my next step in my 12 step journey. I’ll be starting my recovery with step one with food. Scared, and fat. We do recover.

I. I.

It starts with I. I can do this. I have problems. I have feelings. I have a good life. I have changes to make. I see myself in the mirror. I am running from something. I need to start believing in me again. I am blessed. I have an amazing family. I have a successful printing company. I am loving. I am deserving. I have value. I am worth it. So are you.

A. Awesome.

I’m awesome. You’re awesome. We’re all awesome. We’re all different in our awesome’s but every single person in this world has some awesome in them. I do, somewhere. Somewhere under the 80 extra pounds of weight I carry. I’m awesome somewhere under the surface. Somewhere in me. Somewhere beneath what I see in the mirror. I know I’m awesome. I guess I just get to look a little deeper to find that in me again.

T. Truth.

To thine own self be true. Easy enough. Right? Right. It’s hard. The first step in being true to ourselves is being truthful and honest with our problems and being aware of the changes we need to make in order to actually be our true selves. Truth is hard. Truth can cut to the soul. It has cut my soul recently accepting I need additional help. I keep looking in the mirror. I keep needing help. I freaking need help. So do you. We all need help in this life. That is truth.

R. Repent.

Wow. This is a controversial word. It brings up emotions and feelings in me and in most of us. It’s a positive word. It’s a positive action. It simply means “to change”. Enough said. Change.

I. I am.

I am courageous. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can even, cringe, repent. I am lovable. I am valued. I am worth it.

C. Change. Connect. Communicate. Courage. Confidence. Considerate. Challenge. Compassion. Creative. Contribute. Care. Charity. Change.

B. A. R. I. A. T. R. I. C.

I can’t believe I’m here. But, here I am.

Ready. Willing. Open minded. Humble. Embarrassed. Angry. Frustrated. Scared. Blessed. Anxious. Sad. Excited. Honest. Proud. True.

I know this because I looked in the mirror…yet again.

The long drive home from our short vacation.

We went to Tuacahn this weekend to see The Sound of Music, The Little Mermaid, and When You Wish Upon a Star. The Little Mermaid was a disappointment. I just feel like Mermaids and fishes shouldn’t tap dance. That was strange. The Sound of Music was brilliant. My son in law says I like old grandma movies. It’s true. Fiddler on the Roof is one of my favorite productions. The play is my all time favorite show. I could watch/see it a million times. Same with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Go, Go, Go, Joseph. Mary Poppins. I like stories that move me. Stories that make me feel. WWII stories. The Garden State. Life as a House. Lars and the Real Girl. The Greatest Showman. This is 40. The Story of Us. Those are not grandma movies. Those are movies and stories that I can relate too. (Sorry, Jordan). Sometimes I stay away from movies or shows that are too emotional. I haven’t dared watch This is Us. My wife says I “need” to watch it. I think she’s the one that “needs” me to watch it. Yep. Exactly why I won’t. 45 minutes until I’m home. I’m really grateful my wife drove. I “needed” it. I guess I’ll have to watch This is Us now. Wish me luck. Driving is easier than crying and I’ll probably cry. But, next time I’LL definitely be the one to make the long drive home from our short vacation.

It’s Tuesday.

There are only a couple of things better than starting your work week on a Tuesday. I’m not exactly sure what all those things are but I know watching College Football on a Saturday is one of them. Go Cougars! I like my job. I own a printing company. (Corporate Edge Printing). I love the people I work with. I love my clients. Ok. I love most of my clients. I like pretty much everything about my job. But, I hate Monday’s. I get overwhelmed with the upcoming week ahead of me. Sometimes I wonder if I can make it through another week. “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can”. Actually, at this point of my life I’m pretty sure I will because I’m 46 years old and I’m heading into work…yet again. This time “I know I can. I know I can. I know I can”. After all ? It’s Tuesday.