Behind my eyes.

Count yourself lucky if you are one of the few people in this world that don’t suffer from mental illness. Ok. There’s probably way more than a few but when you suffer from mental illness you think everyone does. You think everyone feels like you, thinks like you, acts like you, and sees the world like you do.

The only way I’ve been able to experience this life is to see it through my own eyes. We all suffer. We all have challenges. We all have anger, remorse, guilt, shame, pain, sadness, frustration, confusion, loneliness, laziness, judgement, sorrow, and times where depression and despair seem to be the norm. Cheers was a horrible show, by the way.

We all have those dreaded “negative feelings”. Feelings are just feelings. They come, they go. We learn the most when we accept those “negative” feelings as part of our lives and we deal with them and honor them. I don’t believe negative feelings actually are negative. I think feeling those feelings is actually positive. I was told that sometimes it’s good to “sit in your shit”. Not literally. (Tristan, that “literally” part was “literally” for you). Inside joke, legitimately. I love you and don’t get mad at me for swearing.

I don’t know if my mental illness is in control of myself right now or my feelings are close to my heart and I’m feeling human feelings of loss.

Sometimes it’s really really hard to tell.

My dad is dead. My brother is dead. Everyone has suffered some sort of loss and the grief that comes with those losses seem to surface at different times. Jesus was resurrected. Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day to celebrate the resurrection and that we can continue to “live on”. Yesterday sucked for me. It was brutal. It brought back feelings of anger, loneliness, and abandonment. It’s been almost seven years since I lost my dad. (I lost him way before that though). It’s been two years on April 5th that my brother decided it was time to go and he’d had enough of this life and was “ready to meet God”.

Abandoned. That’s how I feel.

We all deal with all of our emotions and feelings in different ways. That’s the point. Your life is yours. You see life from behind your eyes. My life is mine. I see life through my eyes.

Great, I get it. Jesus died. Jesus overcame death. I know this to be true. The problem is? Right now I just do NOT care because it doesn’t take away the fact that I’m hurting and I miss my dad and my brother deeply. My brother was ALWAYS my best friend. I’m lonely. I have others in my life, don’t get me wrong. I love all of them. I love all of you. I’m grateful for each and everyone of you.

I see you.

But that doesn’t take away the fact that I want to see Derek and my Dad and I miss them.

They are dead. Gone. In another world, dimension, planet, or what most people call Heaven or Hell.

All I know is that even though Jesus was resurrected that when I look from behind my own two eyes I still don’t see them. They…are…not…there.

And…that hurts. Mental Illness or not.

Be good to each other.

Be good to yourself.

– Brett

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